The radio posed this question this morning.  Emotional cheating was defined as falling in love with someone else.  Physical cheating was defined as having sex with someone else.  Their informal poll of heterosexual people who called in resulted in women claiming emotional cheating as worse and men claiming physical cheating as worse. 

 

In general, a woman values love and romance over sex (which may result from a man's undivided interest seeming rarer and thus more precious than his tendency to want to spread his seed, as well as her risk of nine months of pregnancy from each sexual engagement).  In the front of her mind, she reasons that if her partner falls for another, it's unlikely for her to win his love back; whereas if he sleeps with another, it could have been just a lapse in judgment for physical temptation and nothing more.  After all, men are more casual with sex than they are with love.  His waning interest in her, however, is an irreversible trend. 

 

For a man, the opposite appears true.  He can forgive his woman for falling in love with another so long as she has not slept with the other man.  Interestingly, this has less to do with her intentions toward him than his perception of her.  Her celibacy is of paramount importance (perhaps because of social norms, as well as the fact that paternity is not as evident as maternity) and her apparent loss of it to another man is irreversible and thus unforgiveable. 

 

This makes evolutionary sense.  Historically, a woman required her man's long-term commitment to help feed and raise the offspring she has born, and a man required his woman's fidelity to guarantee that her offspring are of his paternity.  Therefore, I feel that as a woman, I am expected to consider emotional cheating worse than physical cheating.  However, I think this question poses an artificial dichotomy from which to chose that oversimplifies the underlying issue at hand.  Personally I think what makes cheating worse has less to do with what type it is than what degree it is. 

 

Consider this.  Emotional cheating can range from developing a schoolgirl crush on someone famous, to falling in love with another person instead of, in addition to, or more than his/her partner, to even just showering more attention--even just platonic--on a friend than on his/her partner.  Physical cheating can range from getting distracted by someone attractive passing by, to getting sexually aroused by someone else, to having sexual intercourse with someone other than his/her partner (we really should establish a gender-neutral, singular possessive pronoun, but I digress...).  Lesser degrees of cheating may not even qualify as cheating at all; it could depend on the reasonableness of both partners and the circumstances they are in.  The more jealous types will understandably have stricter standards that must be respected to maintain the relationship.  The more trusting ones may not be as upset if they are given a good, believable reason and can still see a worthwhile future with their partner. 

 

Relationships are based on mutual trust, honesty, and respect.  Should I ever be cheated on (though let's hope this never happens), I shall not be happy that my partner loves someone else more than he loves me, but I can understand how that may be beyond his control.  However, I do expect him to show me the decency of telling me immediately, so that we don't continue to live a lie, and so that I am released from a dead relationship and given a fair chance to find someone else to love who loves me back.  In the end, it's not about being together forever, especially if it isn't working out.  Rather, it is about being happy with yourself, with your life, and with those whom you decide to let into your life.